Familiar Sensations

Not our memories
Not our dreams
Not our fantasies
Nor any revelries

Not a mystery of
When, where, why or how
But NOW!

We are,
Pulsating lights
Beaconing frequencies
Frequently out of sight
Circulating fleeting moments
As the stars flicker in the night

We are,
In peaceful stillness
Radar detecting vibrations
Dancing a space-time twist
Rendering familiar sensations

Though memories aside
We still reside
In mind

Meaning in Life

What does it all mean? There must be a reason, right? Sure, our lives are full of meanings and reasons - but only because we create and choose them. Often times we find ourselves in moments that demand of us difficult decisions. We tend to create problems and then try hard to solve them. Most of us have learned that to find the answers to our questions we must analyze, examine, reason, strive and even suffer for the truth. Many of us also find it difficult to make decisions without first discovering what our over-all purpose is in life.

Maybe you have decided to release your need for a so-called universal truth, reality, meaning and purpose. In doing so you have found that your decisions come naturally and intuitively. Though the pursuit for truth can be entertaining and enriching, you realize that the strife and struggle is actually unnecessary.

It is my choice to believe that life is just as simple or complex as I decide it to be; that it is totally up to me to choose the way I think and act and so live. The following personal truths and affirmations remind me that I do not need meaning in order to choose purpose.

• Experiences have no inherent meaning.
  
  
• I cannot truly understand any experience.

• I always choose the meaning that I give to my experiences.
  

• I give meaning to my experiences because I think and so decide that they contain meaning. I create an illusion.
  
  
• My state of mind is not generated for the reasons I think.

• The thoughts I render do not mean anything.
  

• All thoughts are rooted in the past and are made up to entertain and distract the mind from the present moment.
  
  
• I cannot think joyness into my life. True happiness is experienced in the thoughtless stillness of every moment.

• By clearing my mind of giving meaning to the past I will discontinue to create more of the same now. Instead of reacting (from the past), I may choose to act (in the present).
  
  
• There is no reality but the one I create.
  

• In order to discontinue to re-create undesirable experiences, I must dis-identify with the memories of an undesirable past. I am not 'my' past. I am here now.
  

• As all thoughts are meaningless, so to is my experience of this life. I remain equanimous with this truth.
  
  
• Though there is no inherent meaning to my experiences, there always exists a given purpose.
  
  
• Whether subtle or profound, purpose is always changing. It is found in the thoughtless experience of NOW. I am aware of, receive and accept this gift as I am aware of, receive and accept my self.
  
  
• As I am aware of and acknowledge the experience of presence, I am free to choose the gift of purpose. It is in this space that I make the best decisions.
  

The Leaves that are Green

I was twenty-one years when I wrote this song.
I'm twenty-two now but I won't be for long
Time hurries on.
And the leaves that are green turn to brown,
And they wither with the wind,
And they crumble in your hand.

Once my heart was filled with the love of a girl.
I held her close, but she faded in the night
Like a poem I meant to write.
And the leaves that are green turn to brown,
And they wither with the wind,
And they crumble in your hand.

I threw a pebble in a brook
And watched the ripples run away
And they never made a sound.
And the leaves that are green turned to brown,
And they wither with the wind,
And they crumble in your hand.

Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
Good-bye, Good-bye, Good-bye, Good-bye,
That's all there is.
And the leaves that are green turned to brown.

~Paul Simon

Bishop, CA

photos

Bishop, CA

Through the Sierras

Elevation: 8,000 ft.

Ol' trusty blue mazda

big pine

big glasses

desert ride

The Bull vs. Bike Rider

July 2009

I took a few photos and then the handy camera became non-op! These are its last photos before its passing...

Cosmic Dance

Arriving at Cosmic Dance...

100% Solar energydaily games to play (work)

Garden work...
Music work...

Aeo & Ocean

The Art of Living

Wisdom in how to be and do:
First, instead of trying to examine life and the nature of reality mentally, do so sensually. Experience! Live in the body holistically, utilizing all the senses as tools for awareness. While some mysteries may remain outside of our current capacity to experience, it is not necessary to live with blind faith. By attuning to the awareness of bodily sensations we naturally increase the spectrum our field of awareness. The truth is within. It's up to each individual to experience.

• There is no inherent meaning in any thing, experience, or sensation. It is always our choice to give meaning. Truth is the law of nature.It is the objective observation of what is felt within the framework of the nervous system.
• Learn to observe the sensual experience by feeling objectively; without ego. Try not to react to sensations with aversion/ignorance or craving/attachment.
• Listen. Improve the capacity of silent intuition and knowledge to observe the nature of reality, as it is: Every thing and experience, thought and feeling is changing; it arises and passes away into a new moment, always anew.
• Any sensation, whether pleasant or unpleasant, whether seeming to arise from past or future is always experienced now. To develop awareness and clarity(the experiential result of objective presence) we must practice equanimity with what is, moment to moment.
• This will help quiet the ego - the sense of self that perpetuates a feeling of being more or less/higher or lower than others. It is the "Me, My, Mine" identity; the owner of cravings, habits and addictions, illusions, delusions and aversions.
• At times, challenges will arise that are very difficult and enduring. Use these challenges as a fuel for the flame of consciousness. Learn to surrender to what is, with equanimity and balanced, objective observation.
• When we take action we must do so with compassion and loving kindness. To Love is to give selflessly, with the consciousness of unity and oneness. When we are careful to not fuel ego, this comes naturally, intuitively and with ease and grace.
• This is the "higher" self, free from the chains of ignorance and ego. This is the Art of Living.
• As is the art of life so is the art of death. The experience of so called "heaven and hell" is here on Earth, in this lifetime, in this body and mind. Every moment is as an opportunity to become unattached to the highs and lows; the extremes of and craving and clinging; the bondage of suffering from aversion to pain and attachment to bliss.
• This is one purpose in living and dying. This is liberation.

Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation

Wandering & Wondering

WOW. Life is perfect, always. Guidance is ever-present. As I tend to this moment I am gifted the affirmations I seek. I am remembering.

I am FULL of love. I nourish and am nourished. I am fulfilled. My purpose is being. All is impermanent, always shifting, ebbing, flowing. The intimacy of community, the freedom of sensation and expression: Sounding, listening, seeing, touching, sharing, healing. I sense these winds will soon carry me to other places. I now seek silence and clarity. I surrender the self. I retreat, turning in to create anew. I float on, breathing with the currents that be.

Who are you? I am.

What do you do? Play.

No photos yet - though soon to come as I slowly reintegrate and play with modernity. We will see scenes of my summer movies. I will call that entry, "Cosmic Dance".

Blessings to the curious!

Catch ya Later Humboldt County!

This place has been good to me as I have been good to it. Now I hit the road. I'm headed south to the mountains of Santa Cruz. I'll be living/working with the community farm, "Cosmic Dance Permaculture", for at least 2 weeks and then - where I'm bound I can't tell just yet. My temporary destination will eventually be to end up in the A.V. - perhaps to work on the peach farm for a while and plan my next step. To my family there - I'll see you this fall! To my friends in Humboldt - its been awesome! I'll be back again to soak in the crisp evergreen airs and toke a few with my brothers and sisters of the forest.

For you there is joy, peace, truth an love - always.
Best wishes,
Russ

There, our eyes first met. I did not stumble . . .

there's a Star I have never seen
lost inside a prayer
and somehow, the answer to love is there

I must go where that star was born . . . many years ago
then somehow, the answer to love I'll know

hidden by midnight . . . yet near to the Sun
high on a far off cloud
how I can see it, with eyes ever blind?
just stumbling along with the crowd?

though I must search for my Star alone
just a dream or two behind
yet somewhere . . . the answer to love
I know . . . I'll find

~Vulcan's Song, "Virgo's Quest"

During the large majority of her waking hours she's an appealing feminine creature, with a gentle, pleasing personality, a sweet smile, and sparkling eyes - they literally sparkle, as though tiny stars shone out from them. Those eyes, illuminated by the sun's rays, move through me like the waters of a crystal-clear river. Her presence draws in everyone around her as she radiates her love. There's something refreshing and cool and woodland green, something pure and white and soft about her aura that seems to penetrate the atmosphere around her, calming us with her wandering spirit . She transmutes us all into pure love. It amazes me.

Before throwing caution into the wind, she sings her mantra, "Safety first. Always." Knowing that "an ounce of prevention is worth many pounds of cure." Even a fraction of an ounce. She bends over backwards, like a mental and emotional contortionist, to avoid making mistakes she'll later regret. She makes her decisions with clear minded sheer, uncluttered logic. While grounded into Earth, she pauses to relax into the comforts of her mother's gifts, giving time to soak in the restful silence. Then, the calling returns, beckoning her to move on. As it pulls, her journey is made manifest. Her mission: to swiftly return to her keen intuition which once again carries her into the winds. No thoughts. No expectations. Only Now.

For years she cheerfully and willingly accepted the restrictions, the disappointments and the suffering that rocks all human relationships now and then...far, far beyond the call of Love's duty. She'd sacrifice her own yearnings; the morning song of her own free spirit, longing to be released...her own ego and pride, her need for personal identification - and devote her whole self to the comfort, contentment, success and happiness of her family and the love of a respectable relationship. Let it be clear, though, that deep respect is demanded and earned. This lady is not a sweet, blushing concombine or a genuflecting geisha which a man can pat on her pretty head now and then, and softly mold into a shadow of himself. Not at all. She, a true individual, now sings a declaration of independence. Let her personal truth be heard clearly for she is being guided. Persistence is futile. She is pulled by a strong magnetic force that calls out to her soul, echoing from afar. Her personal relationships are therefore often passing and temporary. She will inevitably, and more than once, end her resistance and answer that call by simply leaving - to follow her new star - to see if she can find out there, somewhere . . . herself. And maybe also an answer to the elusive mystery of love.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

We have given ourselves back to the self, the individual, the one. And now, more than ever, my flame burns stronger and brighter. My warmth and love fueled by that which is now and has always been - though I am now realizing. I beam a silent message that the weary time of waiting is over, and the lost is being found again. The long-ago separated is now reunited.

And before too many moons have passed, somewhere, on a clear twilight, one of them will excitedly point toward the softly singing heavens, and shout, "Look! Up there, near Mercury! A new star!" And at dawn, just as the new day begins, Venus fades from sight over the horizon, to dream awhile . . . before returning at dusk.

. . . Love continues . . .

"Then she added a wistful message, clearly channeled by Vulcan, whether she was aware of it or not . . . a message that echoes the silent, silvery hope of all Virgo women everywhere, when they think about the Libra men they loved and left. "Maybe one day," mused Virgo Margaret Trudeau, "a thunderbolt will strike me . . . and I'll go back to my loved one, my truest one, Pierre."

The Libra man who loves a Virgin, and hasn't lately unbarred the door of her gilded cage, might beneficially gather together his Venus fairness and justice - above all, his Libra wisdom - and ponder those intelligent and genuinely heartfelt words a long, long time."
~Linda Goodman

Sacred Law of the Universe: Allow each soul to walk its path.

Creative Control

Recent thought:

Truth. Life is what I believe it be: what I choose to think, feel, say, do - and so create. Consciousness is opportunity for creative control; it is a real super-human power.

Recently read:

The World's Greatest Lie: "...that at a certain point in our lives we loose control of whats happening to us, and that our lives become controlled by fate." ~Paulo Coelho

Obstacles

"There are four obstacles (in life). First we are told from childhood onward that everything we really want to do is impossible. We grow up with this idea, and as the years accumulate, so too the layers of prejudice, fear and guilt. There is a time when our personal calling is so buried in our soul as to be invisible. But it's still there.

If we have the courage to disinter dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: love. We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that love is just a further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.

Once we have accepted that love is a stimulus, we come up against the third obstacle: fear of the defeats we will meet on the path. We who fight for our dream suffer far more when it doesn't work out, because we cannot fall back on the old excuse: "Oh, well, I didn't really want it anyway." We do want it and know that we have staked everything on it and that the path of the personal calling is no easier than any other path, except that our whole heart is in this journey. Then, we warriors of light must be prepared to have patience in difficult times and know that the Universe is conspiring in our favor, even though we may not understand how.

I ask myself are defeats necessary?

Well, necessary or not, they happen. When we first begin fighting for our dream, we have no experience and make many mistakes. The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and get up eight times.

So, why is it so important to live out personal calling if we are only going to suffer more than other people?

Because, once we have overcome the defeats - and we always do - we are filled by a greater sense of euphoria and confidence. In the silence of our hearts, we know that we are proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life. Each day, each hour, is part of the good fight. We start to live with our enthusiasm and pleasure. Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and , without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.

Having disinterred our dreams, having used the power of love to nurture it and spent many years living with the scars, we suddenly notice that what we always wanted is there, waiting for us, perhaps the very next day. Then comes the fourth obstacle: the fear of realizing the dream for which we fought all our lives.

Oscar Wilde said: "Each man kills the thing he loves." And it's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we gave up in order to get this far. I have known a lot of people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp, went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal - when it was only a step away.

This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here."

~Paulo Coelho

"In times of change the learners will inherit the earth, whiled the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists." ~Eric Hoffer

Seriousness

I was in bikram yoga class and, well doing really intense poses and the instructor keeps telling us to focus your eyes in the mirror on your third eye - and do this without making your forehead raise. So I'm looking super serious at this point, focused, enduring.

He walks in front of me with a huge smile laughing, "Don't be so serious! If its hard, just breathe slow and deep, smile laugh and enjoy the experience of strengthening your weak spots."

Wow, how profound for me to hear. I've been realizing this about myself, and then hearing it was affirming.

finding balance

I am always learning. This just came to mind...

The space between persistence and resistance is simply existence. It is choosing to love and be with yourself (as if you would passionately love and give to another) then surrendering the rest to God.

Truth

Speak Your Truth as Soon as You Know It.

"The biggest lesson I have learned in life revolves around truth. There is no such thing as Absolute Truth in the objective sense, but there is subjective truth, there is what is true for you, and that is extraordinarily important in your life.

Seek to live authentically, seek to be fully you, for it is in living with only half of you showing, only half of you known, only half of you expressed, that unhappiness is guaranteed.

Do not hide your personal truth, your authentic feelings, your here-and-now experience from anyone-least of all from your dearest loved ones or your beloved other.

Interestingly, these are often the ones from whom we hide the most. Usually we do it because we do not want to hurt their feelings. Or, perhaps, because we do not want to lose them.

So we keep them in place by keeping them in doubt, by keeping them in the dark, by not telling them all of what is true for us. This is exactly the opposite of what we most benefit from doing, yet we live as a recluse from the expression of our own truest feelings, hopes, fears and desires. And that is not living at all, that is dying.

The death is slow, but it is certain. And one morning we wake up and we simply no longer feel alive.

So tell your truth as soon as you know it. Do not think you are saving another person's feelings by holding back or holding in. A wonderful master once taught me Speak your truth, but soothe your words with peace. You can share the most difficult truth gently. Do so.

Live your truth in every moment and in every way, and you will be happy in your heart, for truth makes the spirit soar, truth sets the mind free, truth opens the heart, and truth ignites the passion and releases the love of the soul."

~From Happier than God by Neale D. Walsch

life

I send my best intentions out into the wild. As they return to me they are harder to recognize. They have grown as they have traveled and come with a new message and purpose.

Beach Art

I Love to make labyrinths too! I want to try big spirals like this person has:

"Change is the real secret of a successful life--the ability to adapt to new circumstances, new forms, new events that arise out of the old. Continuous change is also what keeps our bodies healthy: sloughing off old cells, getting rid of metabolic waste matter, blood and lymph flowing easily, their pH balance constantly monitored and adjusted. Whenever we are stuck, when change and movement are blocked, stagnation and illness set it." ~Annemarie Colbin from Food and Healing

"Life is like riding a bicycle, in order to keep balanced you have to keep moving" ~ Albert Einstein

"There is a wisdom in the body beyond the rules of physic. A man's observations, what he finds good of and what he finds hurt of, is the best physic to preserve health." ~Francis Bacon

(Listen to your body and intuition - let it guide you and do not let yourself feel stuck and stagnant)

Riddle

a 5th grade student gave me this one yesterday:

It is:
In everything and not in nothing,
In me but not you,
At the beginning of end
And at the end of time.
What is it?

Dad Says...

"Live life as if every moment you have matters, because it does. Laugh when the moment arises, and laugh deep. We could all use a little more laughter. (except me, it hurts....hernia, you know) Cry when you need to, and don’t be ashamed of it. There are times when we all need to shed a tear or two, for crying helps to clean the soul, and that’s a good thing. Remember however, that there can be too much of a good thing. So when your done with your cry, be done with it and move on. If our eyes are crowded with tears, we might not see what life brings us next. There is always opportunity for a good belly laugh, a simple smile and a warm feeling in the heart." ~Bill Bashaw

sacred geometry

Yab Yam Tanka

A Beautiful Day

I was riding my bike yesterday and I was softly singing "Its a Beautiful Day" by U2. IT was a super nice day. I then noticed a woman walking down the street with a walking stick and sunglasses. She looked in my direction with a beautiful smile and said, "Its a Beautiful Day!" I agreed and laughed out loud riding by. Then I saw her again later that afternoon walking home. There are several moments - every day where I am reassured of the oneness of life; when I share a thought and feeling- make a connection, without there being any complications, mysteriously and spontaneously springing from who knows where. Its a spontaneous gift from the heart; a selfless act. Instead of feeling alienated, misunderstood and out of place - I am feeling welcomed and reaffirmed - remembering that we all are one soul - and how that liberates us from hiding from one another. I realize the power in giving and exchanging. I am seeing that as deal with loose ends and take on more responsibility - there is this free flow of energy - it moves through me, strengthening, empowering.

I ran 2 miles today with some kids from school. I got second place in my age range! Wednesday is Parents night and I am going to be hosting and leading two performances (a puppet show & drum circle) and then supervising a lemonade stand I built with the kids - selling lemonade made with stevia. Next weekend I'm going camping somewhere, helping run a youth camp for 2-3 days (Memorial Weekend). Then June will be filled with other exiting events. It will probably flash by so fast! Seems like my calendar keeps getting filled up and so reminds me that time is merely an illusion. My breath is steady as I jog a steady pace. Even in instants of high energy output, excitement or conflict, my breath remains in rhythm. It is the breath that cleanses my blood, the breath that heals and rejuvenates. I give myself to the moment, without struggle, without over-thinking it, and everything falls into place.

There is something about these dates: June 5th, 6th and 7th

1. By the 5th, all of my paperwork and projects need to be competed and turned in
2. The 6th is my Dad's birthday
3. The 6th is the date of Arts Alive! in Eureka (I'm showing my art)
4. And I'll be HERE . I'm exited about it. This guy has a super good reputation at HSU, apparently hes a genius. He's already sending us emails detailing what to get prepared for, been putting a lot of attention to it in manifesting.
5. The 7th is a full moon; the grand finale. Its a time to pay attention to - its going to be amazing, we'll see!
   

I've made it an intention to sell something in the show, crossing my fingers.

I see reflections every day in everyone, its a trip to simultaneously experience heightened awareness+presence. Progression seems to be constant as I have been in this mind space.

Organizing My Thoughts

I share my truths gently and soothe them with peace.

If I feel that what I am learning is not really remembering that which I already know, then I realize that I am making myself believe. I am creating an illusion. All that is true is already known. My task now is to remind myself and affirm this into reality.

We are individuals of one soul. Oneness is not a characteristic of life. Life is a characteristic of Oneness.

I have learned to give people back to themselves. First I ask who are you? Then I ask, who am I? Not my body, but a soul operating this divine body. I choose who I am. Every moment is an opportunity to create myself anew. I decide that life just gets better. I am always becoming the next grandest version of the greatest vision I've ever held of myself My task each day: To remember, retain, and recreate myself. To give others the experience I seek. The fastest and easiest way to remember, retain and recreate myself is to help others remember, retain, and recreate themselves. The fastest way to have any experience is to cause others to have the same experience; to be a leader & initiate shared desired experiences. What I bring to another, I bring to the Self, for there is no other in ultimate reality. There is only the Self.

I realize everything is an illusion. I think of myself as a magician observing my own tricks. We are all magicians and together, we create this illusion. In every moment we harness the power to create; to attract that which we choose. There are always creative moments - magic(soul presence) manifests. What I choose to become simultaneously reveals itself in my experienced reality. What is happening is actually happening - yet what I believe I perceive to be my experience of what is happening is something I am making up; it is make-belief. We are all magicians, some of us choosing to be more conscious of our tricks.

I am not my "story". That was then. This is now. I am not the ego. I do not recreate its story. Now is always an opportunity to recreate myself anew. I am letting go of reactive/unconscious thought patterns that do no serve me. Instead of reacting (acting again as I did before), I am creating my desired conscious response.

Everything is perfect just the way it is. (Thanks Mary) I realize the benefits of being unattached to experiencing life in one particular way. I am learning to develop preferences, not addictions. I can prefer something without loosing happiness in its absence. I am "Enjoying the hell out of life". Life is a celebration! Every moment born anew and amazingly intricate and beautiful. In every instance I am provided everything I need to be content and at peace. My preferences change and vary as every moment is changing and variable. Every moment is a progression; and evolution. Judgment is unnecessary and inhibits progress. I have learned the wisdom of discernment so that I may make choices, not judgments. "The best way to move out of judgment is to move into gratitude." So I ask myself, in every moment, how may I help to change the illusion of perceived unhappiness or discontent - for others and for myself? How may I truly appreciate this moment?

I bypass the drama. I am not the ego. The ego is a disease that attempts to strengthen itself through self-defeat, victimization, blame, belittlement, competition, arguments, violence - the list goes on. Simply put, the ego creates loss of awareness. Just let it go. Breathe. Relax. Do not react to negative energy. Go to a place of gratitude, forgiveness and inner peace. Laugh! Remember that very often when life seems to be falling apart, it may actually be falling together for the first time. This can be a dramatic experience if I allow it to be - or I can learn and evolve; become that which I have attracted without fear. Watch the drama fold out as I would the acting out of a play - passively. I laugh and cry with myself while in this perspective with out feeling the need to respond to the drama - well that is unless it is clear that we are playing!

Its okay-actually healthy-to be happy about being sad. Sadness is different from unhappiness. Sadness serves as an expression of the depth of my feelings. Unhappiness is self-defeating. It is the consequence of focusing on that which I decide causes me to feel pain; it is self inflicted disease. Sadness is an expression of relief from attachment and worry. It is energy rapidly and fluidly moving through the body, expelling negative energy so to make room for positivity. The tears of sadness are healing. Let them flow both for joy and for sorrow.

I stopped arguing with life. Saying "yes" (agreement) is the key. I understand that all personal realities, though often seemingly conflicting, are reflections of the same truths. We are all one truth in an infinite field of perspectives. Like attracts like and so do opposites attract. Both work together to create symbiosis, harmony and balance. So I do not oppose the opposite I compose it. I replace judgment with self-reflection. I see myself in others.

I'm dropping all expectations. It's healthy to loose control of specific outcomes in life. Goals are great motivation, though I have learned expect the unexpected. I am amazed! I don't really know how things should or will be, no one does. I have faith that life is always conspiring in my favor, whether I realize it or not. What I favor is what I want and so choose. Often times wanting is done unconsciously. I say that I want and the Universe says, "yes."And so the wanting continues without resolve. When I say "I choose", I embrace whatever shows up in life and work with what I have right now. Wanting then disappears and I unconditionally love what is.

Life is not a test. Though I do have passions, self-created life missions, and destiny (tendencies that create probabilities) - there is nothing that is required of this life. The ideas of 'punishment for your sins' and so called, 'bad' karma are illusions. God has no agenda for us; needs nothing from us, for God has (is) everything. As long as there is awareness (and life is awareness), doubt is totally useless. Faith in guidance, instinct and intuition works wonders. Do not worry, life is not a test. It is the process of remembering who I am.

Happiness is resonance between inner self (spirit) and outer self (body & environment). To create resonance, I tune into the vibration that I attract naturally and intuitively. I make music. I create rhythm, balance and harmony where there is dissonance. When I deny this of myself, I am going against the flow; I am struggling up stream. None the less, it remains a choice. This is why we say, "choose your battles wisely". I say choose not to battle. And this is why we say, "don't worry, be happy now".

Let Go. Smile. Give, Listen, Feel, Laugh, Sing, Heal.

I accept the energies that be and allow them to flow freely and through me. I know that what I refuse to hold, I can not heal. That which I resist, persists. That which I give attention (energy) to disappears. What I persist will eventually resist. It is only natural. And so I have learned to hold and embrace everything - every moment I experience and every life I touch. I engage life with loving kindness, bless the moment and send it on its way...

Attraction & Being

1. The Energy of Attraction gives us power.
2. The Law of Opposites gives us opportunity.
3. The Gift of Wisdom gives us discernment.
4. The Joy of Wonder gives us imagination.
5. The Presence of Cycles gives us eternity.

I. Nothing in this world is real.
II. The meaning of everything is the meaning I give it.
III. I am who I say I am and my experience is what I say it is.
IV. I assign everything a reason rather than looking for one.
V. I decide how I am going to feel about things rather than looking to see how I feel.
VI. I choose my response to everything rather than experiencing my reactions without responsibility of them.

"The purpose of attraction is to elevate not the Self, but the Other; to enrich not the Self but the Other. For it is by so doing that the Self is elevated, enriched and experienced most fully."

"Give and thall shall receive."

A Purpose of Life - to embrace and express who you really are; to be.

1. Giving --> Realize & Multiply having...
2. Having --> Experience & Expand being...
3. Being --> Embrace & Express knowing who you are.

~THINK only what you choose to experience.
~SAY only what you choose to make real.
~DO only what you choose to demonstrate as your highest reality.

Grounded in Uncertainty

I am grounded in uncertainty
I am in the mystery
Here there is complete freedom
To create that which I am drawn to
And be drawn to what I create

Here there is pure potential
To bring silence
To listen
To let go

Through the Joy of Wonder
There is boundless opportunity
To listen to our soul
To surrender to nature
And to the flow

Nature is easy-going
It is an effortless process
Always growing with least resistance

Nature is the ground of happiness
Success is forward progression
Through the unfolding of my vision

As long as my attention is focused in the present moment
My intent for the future manifests
Effortlessly
Without knowing
Without specific results

I am learning to co-create with the Universe;
To act in accordance with the nature
To just be.
To be grounded in
The wisdom of uncertainty

Becoming Aware

Awareness = the cause of my experience (you happen, you create)

Unconsciousness = the effect of my experience (the illusion that experience happens to you)

Conscious living = you choosing and causing your experience.

I am learning (remembering) how to love without pain; let go without pain; create without pain. I am, instead, being in and acting out of joy.

God= Joy, Truth, Love

All are interchangeable. Truth leads to joy, joy to love, love to truth, and so on.

Joy= highest thought

Truth= clearest words

Love= grandest feeling

My soul is not really mine. The soul that is me is God; is true oneness; ultimate truth, complete presence, loving compassion and highest potential. To speak with God is to first listen to, trust and affirm the soul within.

My highest potential is who I really am.

The most rapid way to change a thought pattern - that which continues to create an experience - is to reverse the "thought-word-deed process".

Do the deed (action) you want to have the new thought about. Then say the words that you want to have your new thought about. Do this often enough and you'll train the mind to think a new way.

Do the deed, affirm it in your words, affirm it in your thoughts. In time, this will come effortlessly, for experiences lead to thoughts and thoughts lead to experiences.

Evolution is about changing your mind, letting go of old thought patterns that serve no good-those which hold you from changing for the better.

Changing for the better:

Do not hide. Hiding and avoiding only prolongs the suffering. When the moment arises to deal with your reality - take it as an opportunity to evolve. Remember, often times you must first do the deed, and then think about it later. I always feels so enlightened when I get something taken care of. Why not have instant enlightenment? It is pointless to fear consequence - or anything for that matter. Be present and aware and intuition (God/Soul) will guide you.

God always leads us to the perfect opportunities to experience exactly what we plan to experience. What we actually experience depends on how we think and act within that experience. Enough with the wanting! It is up to us to choose to be present, compassionate and responsible. It is up to us to choose the higher path. In every moment and in every relationship and interaction we are given the responsibility to choose to be who we really are. Do no deny your true self! You are a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate and courageous soul. You are a unique and extraordinarily valuable presence in every moment of existence. Be that which comes to you intuitively. Be who you really are!

Converstations with God

I've been reading this book on and off, reading and re-reading: Conversations with God by Neale D. Walsch
I am so fortunate to have been given this, so blessed. Thank you.

Some quotes I'm soaking in- I'll add more later...

Sacred Law of the Universe: Allow each soul to walk its path.

What you resist persists. What you look at disappears.

All that is required is to know this: For you are the creator of your reality, and life can show up no other way for you than that which you think it will. You think it into being.

You are no longer concerned with the acceptance and approval of the world. You are no longer satisfied with what that has brought to you. You are no longer pleased with what it has given to others. You want the pain to stop, the suffering to stop, the illusion to end. You have had enough of this world as it presently is. You seek a newer world.
Seek it no longer. Now call it forth!
Go to your Highest Thought about yourself. Imagine the you that you would be if you lived that thought every day. Imagine what you would think, do and say, and how you would respond to what others do and say.
Do you see any difference between that projection and what you think, do and say now?
Now, having seen the differences where you are and where you want to be, begin to change-consciously change- your thoughts, words, and actions to match your grandest vision.
This is a call to stop such unconscious living. it is a challenge to which your soul has called you from the beginning of time.

Emotion is the power which attracts. That which you fear strongly, you will experience. Emotion is energy in motion. When you move energy, you create effect. If you move through energy, you create matter.
Thought is pure energy. Every thought you have, have ever had, and will ever have is creative.

To live your life without expectation-without the need for specific results-that is freedom. That is Godliness.

Once you rise to a level of God consciousness you will understand that you are not responsible for any other human soul, and that while it is commendable to with every soul to live in comfort, each soul must choose-is choosing-irs own destiny this instant.
Clearly, it is not the highest action to deliberately abuse or destroy another. Clearly, it is equally inappropriate to neglect the needs of those you have caused to be dependant on you.
Your job is to render them independent; to teach them as quickly and completely as possible how to get along without you. For you are no blessing to them so as long as they need you to survive, but bless them truly only in the moment they realize you are unnecessary.
In the same sense God's greatest moment is the moment you realize you need no God.
A true God is no One with the most servants, but One who serves the most, therby making Gods of all others.

Love is the summation of all feelings. Thus, for the soul to experience perfect love, it must experience every human feeling. The purpose of the human soul is to experience all of it - so that it can be all of it.

Earth Day

So beautiful!

I had a blast today hangin with awesome kids. I realized that none of their teachers celebrated Earth Day. I think one or two other after school staff planted seeds. I was all about making a big deal about it. I hung up posters and copied off earth-themed coloring pages and word searches and planned some activities. I figure, the one day of the year we are inclined to celebrate our mother earth- it ought to be the biggest eco-groovy party on Earth! Were talkin bigger than new years and even X-mas. Though most of the kids had no idea it was Earth Day. When I asked them about it, the ones who knew about Earth Day heard about it through Nickelodeon. They were advertising it, asking kids to turn off the TV for one minute, 9pm tonight. So I gathered together about 10 upper graders and we talked about what Earth Day means - how Earth is constantly providing for us life, the problems of pollution, ect. I asked them what they think they could do to give back to Earth. We got pretty jazzed up about it. We declared it to be Earth Week.

We made Earth Day signs out of recycled paper, marched and paraded around the school chanting, "Go green! Hug a tree! Every day is Earth Day!" (they made that one up) & "Reduce, reuse, recycle!" We picked up trash off the ground and hugged trees along the way (some of them kissed the leaves and flowers. On girl fell to the ground a few times, asking everyone to hug the ground, hah. We got some more kids to join us in our March too. Afterwards we planted seedlings in the garden then planned our enrichment for Friday. We (the 6th graders and I) are working on getting the kinders and/or 1st&2nd graders around the garden to play an Earth Week Game. I'm thinking about a Shoot Off (like basketball) but with various recyclable materials and labeled baskets - though the shapes and sizes may prove hard to toss - so I'll probably go with some kind of co-operative relay. Earth-friendly prizes?

rejoicing

Feel me
You are getting warmer
I am with you now
I open my hands to you
Show you my palms
We gaze. My eyes pierce into you.
I see you. Do you see me?
This love is powerful
Oh the intensity of my stare!
Too good to be true!
How impossible! In the flesh!
Completely exposed
The truth overcomes you

Pulsing your veins
Radiating anticipation
Flushes you with excitement
Heart pounding your breast
I curl my lips up to send you a smile
I open up my love and breath it into you
Shifting into a slow steady rhythm
Your chest rises up and your neck
Floats back gently
Eyes rolling back in ecstasy
Falling slowly
My body carries yours
Slowly to earth.

Open your eyes
I am here with you now
Quietly rejoicing,
We are one
In arms, hearts in sync
Finally we are found
In each others arms
Our hearts beating as one
Rejoicing WE ARE ONE!
Our smiling eyes flowing as rivers
Laughing!
Laughing!
Laughing!

A Refresher

To myself and to readers alike:

Ask and thou shall receive.
How thou shall recognize the gift
Remains a beautiful mystery.

I dont know the complexities of what makes all of these thoughts bring into manifestation the experiences I partake it. When I connect with someone on a genuine level, there is healing and affirmation. We are one.

I am letting you know that I am here with you - and I love you for who you are, really I do. I see that. Its so for real. How did I forget? Did I ? What happened - where did I go. Where where you? There is nowhere to hide! Open up, let the love flow in.
I know! Its so intense! WOW!! I resist it at first. I can't believe it! Oh my GOD! You are really here with me right now. Where do we go, what do we say and do? Nothing! Just be in this. Lets be amazed. Its okay! Its more than okay, its essential. Let the amazement overcome you! Its okay, show me! I love you for who you are. We are letting oneanother live well. The tension rolls away. I am here with you and all is well. You are beautiful.

This week I connected with some lovely people. We lived as a community. Giving, growing, learning, embracing. Good times for sure. I could list off all the awesome experiences yet what comes to me in as I type brings simple joy. I'll type a little poem that I wrote during a poetry activity:
I shared it with the whole group at the end of the day.

The Body Knows

"Hold on. Are you for real?"
The mantra echoes
It follows me begging me to return
Are you for real?
Wait. Stop. Breathe. Really feel this.
Drop into the body
Balance in stillness
Smile when you feel the perpetual motion
The body beats
Moving with an intricate rhythm
The body hints
The body reminds us
And then begs us to listen.
The mind runs with a thought
Struggling in wanting everyone else listen
Wishing everyone else to learn
No need to speak
The mind is no reflection of these words.
There is no way of knowing
Feel me.

The body aches and the mind complies
My shoulders relax and I release a sigh
I am feeling. I am going within.
There is nothing for the mind to know
So let go.

Now rest the mind in mystery
No future, no history
The body misses you my friend!
Feel it, move it
Breathe it, love it!
The body burns and yearns
Not only the mind
The body learns

We are one.
There is no mind without body
No body without mind
All is within.

You see? Me, my, I,
We exchange
Give and take
Our body wakes
A quiet and distinctive vibration helps us idle
Releasing into its rhythm, I smile
All the while
The body hums
The mind numbs
The push and pull begs us to let go.

At the top there are no more prizes
The struggle has no end and no reward.
Its all happening in the magical mystery of now.
No fear! The magic is now revealed!
We are present. mmm...
The mind can not know
Yet can rest in knowing
We give and receieve with as a whole
Seperation is an illusion.

The body turns away from the current
Floating down stream the body flows
You and I are one
The body knows.

The garden is growing! So I've finally got the school's garden up and running. The sprouts reached the surface of the soil and their leaves are gathering energy to shoot towards the sky. Last week I fake planted beets and each class came by to harvest them for juice! We drank apple, beet, ginger, and carrot juices. They loved it. We created a huge wall sized poster/mural of the garden. Its fantastical! We set our intentions into the soil and art. The garden gives back to us in the future. I don't know if I'll get tired of the constant requests to make fresh juice again. I brought my juicer back yesterday and played some nutritional whole foods matching games. Today I'll meet with the gardening students (every Friday). Erin from Redwood Roots Educational Farm will join us (every other Friday) to enrich us with farming knowledge and some tasty seasonal veggies! I wonder what she will bring today? Once again I must rejoice! Life is so good...

LIFE is so good

I decided to apologize to the glasses. I didn't forget! I knew they would show up some day soon. My eyes missed them so dearly. Yesterday they came back to me. I then celebrated, "life is so good." I have great depth perception! I can see whats right in front of me and what once seemed so far away now comes into focus. All is well and I am walking the yellow brick road of righteousness! I am gathering together all the missing pieces. I am almost totally ready. There is no doubt in my mind that when the time arrives I will be total and the last piece will be a grand finale! The end of something old into something familiar yet so spectacularly new! The party has started. The people are dancing. Come on and ride the love train everybody. We're gaining speed. The pendulum is swinging like never before! Now it spins in circles, right round like a record baby. Right round, right round. Oh yeah, life is so so very good.

A boy...

CLICK ME TO SEE THE MISSING SISTER...

Food, week of feb. 23

Monday 23

1. Kombucha, Juice Plus
2. Yerba Mate w/rooibos
3. 1 Apple
4. Barley Oats w/chia-almond yogurt
5. Spinach & Arugula Salad
6. 1 Avocado & cheezits
7. David's ground turkey pasta w/red bell peppers & asparagus
8. 2 bottles beer

Tuesday 24

1. Yerba Mate w/rooibos
2. Steel Cut Oats w/chia-almond yogurt
3. Juice Plus, 1 blood orange, 1 kiwi, 1 apple
4. Spinach & Arugula Salad
5. Yogurt
6. 2 Cooked potatoes w/ onion, garlic, herbs, spices
7. 1 small glass of red wine


Chia-Almond Yogurt
-sprouted almonds (blanched and skinned)
-ground chia seeds
-fruit juice
-yogurt culture (from kefir)
-powdered maca
-bee pollen granules
-vanilla extract
-almond extract
-stevia
*Processed in a blender and fermented over night at 80 deg. F, then refrigerated to set up


Spinach & Arugula Salad
-Spinach, arugula, butterhead lettuce, cilantro
-carrots
-sprouted mung beans
-soaked pumpkin seeds
-raw beets & sprouted garbanzo beans pickled in apple cider vinegar, olive oil, dill, bragg's liquid aminos, pepper, and dill

1 week food record

Had another lucid dream this morning. Again, trying to convince someone else that it is a dream, still feeling obligated (attached) to not being in full control of dream creation. I believe this dilemma must first be solved in waking state, something to do with taking charge of my own creation and staying confident. I can't change the mind of others but I can change this mind.

Another topic: I am doing an internal cleanse. Last night I began treatment with an herbal cleanser supplement thats to be taken every night for a week. This is followed by a simple yet nutritious diet.

Monday 09/09:

woke at 7:30a

7:45 - Green Tea Kombucha

8:50 - Fresh carrot juice w/wheatgrass

10:30 - Two apples, 2 tbsp raw ground chia seeds in green fruit juice and juice plus supplement

12:30 - Spinach salad with radish and sprouted almonds


So far so good, maybe overload on nutrition? I dont need to eat anything else all day now, but I will get hunger pains so I'll probably have miso soup.

I NOW EAT CHIA pets - ancient revived superfood. Well I dont eat the pet, but I did order 3lbs of raw seed online. I just got it in the mail today. Here goes my trial experience...

Finished the day with:

2:00 - grape juice
3:45 - 1 apple
5:00 - apple juice, 1 "almond joy" raw cookie
6:30 - 1 glass kombucha
7:00 - bowl of beet soup w/sprouted azuki beans
8:00 - internal cleanser (3 pills)


Tuesday 09/10 (break from cleanse - flushing too intense)

I opened the love gift Casey sent me, I found these super yummy treats, and some patches. How thoughtful! I resisted opening everything but the treats. Casey rocks...

wake at 8:00a
8:05 - 1 glass kombucha
8:20 - 2 double chocolate love-cake balls (from Casey, yum thanks!) & 2 cups black tea
12:00 - 1 apple
1:00 - 1 glass kombucha, 1 small glass of ground chia w/ green juice
1:15 - 2 tomato sauce and fresh basil sandwiches w/ crimini mushrooms (full)

No supplements yet, not cleansing today, but thats okay. I am releasing a lot through the bowls, wowza. Today I make do with whats in the fridge. Left-overs!
My cell phone has returned. A kid stole it and his mom made him bring it back. My life is back in order once again. I can survive cause I can communicate. Life is good.

Finished the day with:

6:30 - two glasses kombucha, 1 "almond joy" raw cookie
7:00 - spinach salad with sprouted quinoa
8:00 - 3 slices jazzed up winco pizza

no supplements, no cleanse


Wednesday 02/11/09

wake at 7:30
7:45 - 1.5 cups black coffee (buzz)
8:00 - 1 of Casey's double chocolate love-cake balls (more buzz)
10:30 - juice plus©, 1 tangerine, 1 cup of 2 tbsp ground chia gelled in kefir & green juice w/fresh blueberries
12:45 - salad w/ sprouted quinoa & almonds

...more food...

alright, so I didnt go through with it yet again. I'm always waiting for the perfect circumstances to do this cleanse I've been trying and putting of for like, a year now. Its hard, just to go for a week without eating inappropriately. Its getting to be something that I feel I must overcome. This is a habit I really need to break. The binge eating must cease! I need to have restful sleep. I want to dream! The best thing I can do for this body is to stop eating so late at night. I will give my stomach at least 2 hours to digest before resting this head - this I MUST do.

Lucid Dreaming

I have started my dream intensive in attempts to have creative control within the dream-state; to have lasting lucid dreams. I will be posting my dreams up on lucidipedia.com from now on.

My 2nd Entry (click to read) My first entry was when Casey appeared in my room...mmm...

I have experienced lucidity several times, yet have yet to maintain this state for more than a moment. What usually occurs is an excitement - wow I am dreaming! - and then I wake up. I need to begin to prolong the lucid state. I do believe that with enough discipline, attentive practice, and creativity I will attain astral projection.
These are my initial notes taken from reviewing the guide from lucidipedia.com:

After reading there are just a few things that are new to me (that I didnt already understand)

Dream Signs - repeating dream experiences
Recent Cues/Signs:
1. Actions - gliding, flying, being licked in the face
2. Forms/Beings - dogs, bears, naked figures/women, Casey
3. Context - desert landscapes, snowing, nudity, Casey's room
4. Inner Feelings - exited, sexually aroused, overcoming fear

Next time I am being licked in the face by an animal I will know I am dreaming. I will become lucid.
Next time I am gliding across the floor without walking I will know I am dreaming. I will become lucid.
When I arrive in Casey's room I will know I am dreaming. I will become lucid. I will be careful to maintain lucidity in this environment.
Next time I feel any hesitation while dreaming I will immediately let go and react on instinct. If there is something I want, I will create it.

Reality Check - am I dreaming?
-Spin in circles, change the scene
-try jumping & gliding and/or flying
-turn on/off lights with out physically doing it (blink on, blink off)

WBTB - Wake Back to Bed: waking up early to anticipate & visualize lucid dream; preparation just before going back to sleep
MILD - Mnemonic Induction of Lucid Dreams: intent to experience and remember lucid dream; visualization
WILD - Wake Initiated Lucid Dream, this includes the techniques:
DEILD - Dream Exit Initiated Lucid Dream, this is a technique where you come out of a dream, keep lying completely still, eyes closed. Then you start visualizing a dream scene and allow REM-sleep to re-manifest itself.
VILD - Visually Initiated Lucid Dream, a technique where you do the same as DEILD, but you don't come directly from a dream.
FILD - Finger Induced Lucid Dream, a technique where you move your fingers ever so slightly for half a minute on the verge of sleep and then do a reality check.

Wake up, soak the experience in, feel it in body, remember, write in journal. Re-write in online journal with alternate ending where I become lucid. (if lucidity did not occure) If I do become lucid, write what I would have changed to maintain lucidity.

Record initial recalling with digital camera video setting. Translate later into type. Post video on My youtube channel.

Plan:
Sleep - 10:00p
Wake - 5:00a
Recall, yoga, meditation/visualization 5-6:00a
Sleep - 6:00a
Lucid Dream - 6:30-7:30
Wake & recall 7:30 -8:00

Poems from the Past

These are memories. I recently discovered an old back-up disk from back in the day. There are old photos and documents on it. I found these poems, written during my high school era. Many of them are love poems. Its interesting to see how I was thinking and creating.
Apparently I still have much to learn from my experiences. I re-live them to get it right this time. This is evidence that life's phases tend to repeat themselves:



Many of these are actually lyrics from various bands I sang in.


...My Poems...

We Are Forever
Naturally I will turn over
If you could wake me without substance
Bring to me what I cant see
Then I breach the moderation of reverie
Still waters ceaselessly rising in my mind
Further no longer seems forever
I am over flowing you with what I find
And so further no longer seems forever
Forever
Inevitably elongating my siesta
If you come to me by my bed side
Massage our time with you
Every moment will be infinitely new
Low frequencies frequently freeing my mind
Further no longer seems forever
I am enlightened to the end when we bind
And so further no longer seems forever
Forever always we are
Forever
_________________________________

In The End
We drive up a dark pivoted hill
Unexpectedly, the air brings nothingness
When we get to the top we are still
Eachother with nothing more, nothing less
Gazing up at the stars we see
This is the way we need always be

We lay under a dark blue sea
Behind it is light and all we see
Is the light that has escaped to us
Through tiny holes guided from the heavens

I run my fingers through her silky hair
Massage her mind and open her to me
Our hands find eachother
They touch and talk as if extensions
To what we share underneath preservation
If only they open up and speak our passion

What once was a bridge is now collapsed
For I hold her closer and it is no longer needed
She was once broken away
But is now apart of me
In the end we forget
This is what we need always see

Her eyes understand me for just a moment
I let go and then we must leave
We drive back down the hill
It seems to me steeper as we descend
For none of this will matter in the end
_________________________________

Down With You
I can live with your bread but
Still nothing seems to please you
If you could deal with the pain
Then I could live without you
My care makes you cry
Your eyes to hear me
Your heart feeds on mine
Your eyes to wonder
Am I true or like the others
That you down, cause
When you down you
You down me
I fall down with you
But there's still hope
A better Life for you
Will bring me higher
Not as high as you can be
Just remember
When you down you
You down me
I fall down with you
I'm not true yet
I am here for you
So bring me down with you
Down with you
I can help you up the stairs
To bring you higher
If you are afraid
To go down the stairs
Then stay down here with me
Just remember
When you down you
You down me and
I fall down with you
__________________________

Gone
I need to love you but
You won't let me do that to you
If you let me then
I'll be stuck with you
Confused, you left my confusion
Need you when you are gone
Stronger, I rest through your sleep
Deep you when you are gone
Have you ever seen me?
I found you in a box
Unwrapped, you are small
Lying there you are a diamond
If I awake you turn to dust
Yet I shake your nerves
Sense you I regret this
I should never have opened your eyes
I need to love you but
You won't let me do that to you
If you let me then
I'll be stuck with you
_________________________

Her Life
As the light goes down upon her chest
Something small but he loves her
As he reaches out to feel her breasts
Something sweet for he needs her
Tasting her lips, young fragile mind
Experience pure skin, it's her first time
Desire is vague not bland with her incense
Lures him closer caressing her cleft
She quivers, felt down her spine
Moves through her body, she begins to cry
Rare light that faded away
Is now rising from her bold eyes
Beams into his mouth as he breathes
Filled with pleasure
Mistaken pleasure!
He moves his condemned life into her
Now he says things happen for a reason
Like it draws down on her
Depending on the season
That MAN that PAST that FACE that TIME
His evil grin as tears fell on his life
She SHAPED he FORMED her PAIN he LIED
She stands in a puddle of suicide
Her life, HER LIFE!
And the light goes down upon her life.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! That's right,
His product came with FREE Housing & Handling!!
Costing only $Her Life
(small print)
_______________________________

The Whole Hill Knows
With ring on finger promotes new singer
Living on a wire makes a man higher
Feeling for fire is what he must bring her
Fire is shiver to balance on wire
The whole hill knows
The whole hill flows
With fire on wire
The whole hill knows
People are insects lost in themselves
Insects are beautiful but know one knows
People are crowding on top the hill
Crowding our beautiful luminous shows
The whole hill knows
The whole hill flows
With fire on wire
The whole hill knows
With river constant flow-stop
The hill moves people on top
Flowing like blood its red-stop
The hill moves people on top
The whole hill knows
The whole hill flows
With fire on wire
The whole hill knows
_____________________

Delusion
When they want you to give in to the money, the religion
Everyone is trying to make a living they need you to buy
They need you Sell your life to them, for them
They breed you, copy you, diverting the human race
Into this commercialized insane place
Yeah well go away from here get out of me
I'm not interested
So
Step off my front porch
Don't call my number
Don't give me your church adds
I won't
Go to your meetings
Your company beatings
Pressuring you to sell your soul
To imprison my delusion
To imprison my delusion
So
Step off my front porch
Don't call my number
Don't give me your church adds
I won't
Go to your meetings
Your company beatings
Pressuring you to sell your soul
When the government decides your race
Commercializing the world into this insane place
No one can live here without
Natural instincts calming internal beauty
But they imprison you in your delusion
Stuck there forever unless you fight
Let you alone and get them out of you
Tell them you are not Interested
_____________________________

Know Your Angles (not your angels)
I know my angles
How about you?
Do you know your Angles?
You must comprehend
Do you know your Angles?
They'll pervert your head
You will find angles in here
They will change angles out there
Do you know your Angles?
Indefinitely, they're startling
Do you know your Angles?
Certainly by another degree
Soon you will be overwhelmed
If you listen - you can tell
This is the Angle
This is the angle!
Sounds in tangles
This is what you have been waiting for
Sound formed by two lines of concord
Angles has you now
This is what you have been waiting for
Sound formed by two lines of concord
I know my angles
So now do you?
The Angles that put your ears in tangles
The Angles that twist your mind, Well
You don't know your Angles
You can't comprehend
You don't know your Angles
They're too much for your head
You heard an angle
But you don't
Know your angles
________________________________

It Covered Them
When lines make juice of infests and
When lies make houses for insects
The ties make common sense that
Something gave a dog a bone
Someone came down on its own
Jaws gripping bringing meaning
It was what it was and is no longer holding it
No longer forcing it to admit
Gone forever so it falls into a better place
Gin came to town and broke their people
Sin came to them but they were affixing
And so they live with cream
And so touched by this beam
Making distorted poison seem
Nothing that it should have been
When lines makes juice of infests and
When lies make houses for insects
The house that bends at the seams
Breaks and the juice spills down on them
It buries them in their dreams
The cream hardens and they are locked
Molded away forever but in a better scene
Nothing that it should have been
____________________________________

Take it Away!
Challenged in the fight so to keep up the l i f e
Of knowing all-knowing, growing, fulfilling, flowing LIFE!
And we know its free, to be to freely take a n y w a y
But we don't let that Beelzebub, no, take our vitality away
Take it away
It is that falter that we must fear?
Our nemesis for the end or beginning
Chooses what is near
If we fight you cant take it away from us
Take this higher mind away
And we are left with dirt
You cant take it away
Then you shall go nowhere
Take it away from here
With one more jab into its consciousness
Fabricate it oh so lifeless
It falls wickedly to the floor
Eyes imprisoned forever more
We feel the victory
We have overthrown
We taste the victory
No longer overgrown
Gone with its vitality
We were changed in the fight to keep our l i f e
Of knowing all-knowing, growing, fulfilling, flowing LIFE!
And we knew it was free, too free to take a n y w a y
But we didn't let that Beelzebub, no, take our vitality away
Take it AWAY
WAY, WAY, WAY
Take it AWAY
________________________________________________

Panic
Your nervous and confused
The Panic surrounds you
Sudden judgement, Sudden judgement
You panic
I calm you
When you panic
I am there to calm you
No worries anymore
Warm you now I pour
My heart into your depths
No worries anymore
Hold you when I pour
My heart into your soul
Panic, can it find you
When I am gone?
Panic, will it reach you
When I you are lost
Panic, now it breaks you
When I'm not there
I'm sorry
_______________________

LESBIANS
by Russ, co written by Criss Jimenez

Do not be afraid of them
Get to know a lesbian
She might even let you in
Unless she is a true lesbian
Lesbians I like Lesbians
Lets be friends with Lesbians
They like girls no more guys
They never complain they will be alright
With a girl she will never fight
Let them kiss and make it alright
Lesbians I like Lesbians
Lets be friends with Lesbians
Share a thought with a lesbian
Open up embrace the lesbian
She is gay do not fear
Homophobia will never get you near a
Lesbian I like lesbians
Lets be friends with lesbians
____________________________

Under a Garden
Soft glowing patterns of flowers
In the flowing winds
Make a song this beautiful light
To where it begins
Stop this where it begins
Stop this to begin
Need to get a way
Find a place to stay
Want to get away
From this door under the garden
Where flowers look like mud
Animal feces matured
Where lay death down here
Millions of species endured
This door is in the way
Let the light shine
Under a garden
Under a garden
_________________________

Call It Cracked
We are, We are
The life given to us for free
We are
For woman offering hospitality
Need
The Making money marvelty
Sex
The organ of cuckoldry
Sound
Harmonizing hymnology
Feel
Is Everything heavenly?
Can you explain the sex?
What is the sound of love?
Please give this to me
All night long
Making the whole shebang
What is the name of love?
Just Call it Cracked
________________________

Pieces for a Game
Burn out of air
Lean into sight
Look over the side
Fly out of sight
Taken away from this
Understated ligamental life
Torn away from this
Break made love lighted bright
No person could understand
Our game we play
We play our game
Think and don't feel
That's what you do
If you only knew
That's what you do
Take you away from this
Understated ligamental life
Tear you away from this
Break made love lighted bright
No person would understand
Your game you play
You play your game
I'm not a piece for you
Amongst all your pieces
I'm not a piece for you
____________________

Different
Slipping through the think-of-king minds
By the rest you are obvious-
You can't be of one-of-a-kinds
At the worst you become of us
Its too bad that when
When you are standing outside, inside,
Inside you'll never
Different
Similar simplicity
Falling through the tunneling clouds
Mixing with all the long faces
You never stand out of the crowds
Found inside similar places
Its to bad that when
When you are standing outside, inside,
Inside you'll never
Different...
MIXING INTO so many people
They're all so drab
Difference
They drive you mad
Difference
standing out fad
Difference
Is it that the importance?
FALLING INTO so many people
You're all the Same
Difference
You're driving you insane
Difference
You're fabricated Pain
Difference
But who cares anyway?
Different...
Do you need money to live?
Maybe all you need is answers
How about a reason to live?
Like the rest you make excuses
Its too bad that when
When you are standing outside, inside,
Inside you'll never
Different
___________________________________

The Most Beautiful Sound in the World, Chapter II

From a beach you lay your blanket out on the water
You play your instruments while floating across the shore
There awaiting on the other side of the peer
Is someone crying is any one out there?
The sound of your engines become familiar
Your eyes are guided to eachother
By the fusion of her call and your music
You approach eachother and begin to synchronize
Summoning by harmonized keys creating
The most beautiful sound in the world
A world outside the inner limits
In anything reasoned out to be existent
Together creating the most beautiful sound in the world
____________________________________

Nothing
Getting a piercing shoulder because a self-inflicted diary made lingering wounds seem painless is not a wise proclamation. If coming down on that thought to write it in a hemisphere of hope is understanding what is real, then lying lingering painless hopes are nothing to make seem light weight. But of coarse, like cheese, we feel whole yet fall through tunneling gaps in ourselves. We slide on liquid vessels of tiny snails and mischief children then sit on our longing to belonging comrades. Large, new, and bright, glimmering in the waves of the lost hands, we stand. Getting hit by each movement with a force that knocks pillars in a flutter of quickly fading butterflies, we breathe. Fading so fast but so delicate that on each second they show their wings and so we gaze. Facing outward, beyond the milky blur of washed away voices, we listen. We learn in time that if each cold spine is drenched with careful but slightly harsh words, then that shivering metallic string becomes warm and strong. Life is given and a brand is taken away and so we feel that understanding makes no sense but that knowing is what lets us believe. If that is all we need then shall we die and shall we stop building the strength that keeps our fingers twitching. Twitch, twitch...our air seizes and there is nothing.
by Russ
____________________________________________

To the Girl of My Dreams:
As I walk into the room, I look to so see if you are there, like I do everyday. To know that you are there is pure bliss. As an essence of assurance, it is comforting to know it is somewhere I can always find you. I walk through people standing, talking, but I hear nothing. All I feel is anticipation for I will soon be closer to you. The curve of your face radiates from the sun's beams that come from outside. You are beautiful. Your eyes stare down, as if you are concealing your thoughts from escaping from your world to mine. As I stand by you, I try not to make my affection seem obvious. You glance at me, tilt your brightened face up, and for less than a second your eyes lock mine. You greet me with not a word, but a look. I sit down without uttering anything, like I do often. If I say something it will be too insincere. My heart can not speak to you, but if it does it will say infinite compliments. Your beauty gratifies my eyes, yet they never convince my heart to express my emotions. My breath can not speak the words I feel. You are too distant, too far away from me. I wish I can be lost in the depths of your eyes, infinitely, if you will only let me. Inside of you, I would cry for what lingers in your most powerful mind that I adore. Knowing that my respect and innocence would limit my soul, you would never hear me. You only experience my actions and that is what you find easy to embrace, then you give up your search. As the day plots a burden between us and as society pushes us apart, these gray elements prove to me that my heart could never be yours. I pretend and you accept that we are, and will never be, anything but something meant to be.

By the end of the day I rest my head in a sea of thought. Not a night passes by without thinking of you. I do not know how I feel what it is I feel for you. I think it must be a sickness and that you are my only cure. In my mind, the other heart, you see me as someone that can never exceed the shallowness of the everyday person. I feel I am stuck in a place that locks me away from your seat of passion. No matter what I try, I will never reach you. Still, when I sleep my heart speaks to me. It tells me the most beautiful dream ever. If heaven could be as grand as my dream, I would wish to die. You are my dream. We, together as one love, are so dear to eachother. You share my love, show your love, and I feel the best I ever have in my life. Who knows a dream can be so touching? Everything about you makes you like a fantasy from heaven, an angel sent to give the world hope, or perhaps just me. Although I never feel anything like this for anyone else, I don't know if I can call it love. It may not be love, but I know the thought of loosing you rips my heart, my chest burns, and it ís the worst pain I can feel. Tears never flow from my eyes for such feelings until you are thought of gone. In my dream, oh so intimately sweet, your lips so soft, we are so close. Then I realize it ís just a dream that in the end, is far more melancholic than romantic. I awake and the day moves on in repetition. Even now I cant believe it is true.

You are the girl of my dreams.

Loving you always,

Russell