I need to be done with this weakness, this vulnerability. I soak in too much, but no more. I really need to become all around balanced. I need to need it, as a matter of healthy life or painful death. I need to wrap my mind around what this really means. Its been on my mind for so long. For some reason I have yet to fully discover, the last couple of years have been pretty lonely for me. I have had a lot of time to be with the self. In my mind, I've hardwired where/when/how my character fits into the play as it unfolds. I feel behind, as if I have lagged behind, but for some grand reason that's beyond me now. I have questioned and I have had doubt for the signs I've encountered. I do not wish to repeatedly ignore them, or avoid the instinctual drive to follow them. For this seems to be, to me, the reason I feel this need to catch up with where I need to be in life. Doubt, laziness and fear stems from self doubt, self loathing, and self fear. I tend to doubt my judgment, tend to addict to simple gratifications as mean of temporary comfort, tend to fear the reactions of those who's ignorance or awareness of my actions creates for misunderstanding. For too long I have personally limited the power of confidence; the law of attraction; the efficacy of manifestation; the truth of this affirmation. No longer I say. No longer will I continue this pattern. I am eagar to break through this transition into a more healthy life.

Russell's Sushi Spring Rolls

This is my most favorite food to prepare and eat because it's both yummy and very HEALTHY! Almost all of the ingredients are raw, providing active enzymes for digestion and plenty of vitamins/nutrients. Most of the ingredients can be changed based on your preferences. This particular recipe contains no meat, but raw/cooked fish or ground turkey is a wonderful addition. Preparing spring rolls and/or sushi will take patience and time. It is a skill to learn. Think of it as edible artwork and have fun with it! The rice wrappers make rolling sushi much easier and can then be eaten like a burrito. What I like to do is make a bunch of them on the weekend so I can eat them for lunches the following week. They store very well in the refrigerator (the avocado turns brownish after a couple days, but is still good). These are perfect for potluck dinner parties because you can get help with the wrapping, which saves a lot of time.

Preparation time: approx. 1 hour
Makes 14-20 rolls

Ingredients:

• 1 pkg. Sushi Nori (10 sheets)
• 1 pkg. Spring Roll Wrappers
• 1 - 1 1/2 cup rice noodles or mung bean noodles or sushi (sticky) rice
• 1 small raw beet
• 3 raw carrots
• Raw ginger root (I like a lot)
• 1 pkg. sprouts (any kind works)
• Raw spinach or other lettuce green
• 1 Avocado (firm, not too ripe)
• Bragg's Liquid Aminos in spray bottle (optional)
• Wasabi

Optional (but delicious) Pumpkin seed paste:

• 1 cup raw dehydrated pumpkin seeds (or almond butter)
• 1 tbsp. Sweet Chili Sauce
• 1 tbsp. Miso paste
• 1 tsp. Fish Sauce
• 1 - 2 tsp. cold water to bring it to a paste texture

Prepare:

1. Pumpkin seed paste - grind pumpkin seeds into a fine texture in a coffee grinder or food processor. Add chili sauce, miso, and fish sauce. Add a little water at a time until it becomes pastie.
   
   
2. Cook noodles or rice according to directions. Allow to cool before using.
   
   
3. Peel and chop beets, carrots, ginger and avocado into thin spears about 4 in. long. Take your time to cut them as thin as possible, watch your fingers!
   
   
   
   
4. Fold and cut/tear Sushi Nori in half "hamburger width" to make strips.
   
   
5. Get the greens, noodles/rice and other ingredients ready to work with.
   
   
6. In a pan wide enough to fit the spring roll wrappers into, fill with hot water. It needs to be kept hot enough so that you can still put your fingers in it. It may cool down during preparation, so be sure to reheat it when necessary.
   
   
   
7. Dip the spring roll wrapper into the hot water, submerging completely. Watch carefully. After a few seconds the wrapper will become limp and start to sink. Carefully pick it up out of the water making sure the wrapper doesn't fold and stick to itself. Lay it out on a wide flat plate, quickly unfolding the wrinkles if necessary.
   
   
8. Place sushi nori strip directly in the middle. Spread a thin layer of the seed paste on the nori.
   
   
   
9. Lay in the rest of your ingredients, a little at a time until you get a feel for how much to add. Leave some room at the far end to seal the roll. Don't over-stuff it or it will be difficult to roll. Spray once with liquid aminos.
   
   
   
10. Begin to roll. The technique is like making a burrito, yet you want to make the rolls as tight as possible. Roll it until you have covered all of the ingredients, then fold in the ends.
    
    
    
11. Finish by wrapping the rest over. The rice paper will seal itself and stay closed.
    
    
    
    
12. Serve with a dipping sauce of your choice or just stick with soy sauce and wasabi. I like to use a peanut-ginger-shitake salad dressing. Sometimes I'll eat them without sauce because the paste is very flavorful. If you notice that the wrapper is really chewy, you didn't leave it in the hot water long enough. Try again until you get it down perfecto. Wall-ah! Russell's Sushi Spring Rolls!

Mamma always said, "I don't need to take a pill, I get my vitamins from the food I eat." Thanks Mom.

Fractal Universe

http://www.theresonanceproject.org/

faith & love pie

This has been an eventful week as I did predict, and by no surprise it came with some unpredictable tests to pass. Good times.

I am in love with Casey. Its amazing, wonderful, overwhelming, and, well so many other emotions indescribable at the moment.

My Dad is supposedly recovering and should be out of the hospital soon. My mom told me that whats happening is that his cells are starting to regrow, and take over Janette's donated cells. If this happens, then it is highly likely that he'll end up with leukemia all over again. I have faith that what God intends will be good, and the timing will make sense. I dont know how much he has left, but I am hopeful and optimistic.

So I tried to get out of Palmdale this morning with no luck. I couldn't find my cell phone and left my jacket here, so it wasnt meant to be. I came back and now I have these items I'll take with me tomorrow. I ended up spending almost 5 hours in Bakersfield waiting for a bus back to Palmdale after being denied (the train was full). I'm tired because I haven't really slept much since yesterday. I am stuck in between. I've been in such complete bliss within Casey's presence and in this wonderful love trance I have barely managed to stay rational and organized. I guess I get extra space-headed when I'm falling in love. We are for real, she has experienced me as my true, raw self. This is love, and there is more to come. I feel a sense of relief now that we understand whats been in the making between us. I'm exited about our future experiences.

___________________________

With some time to kill I sang songs in the train station, well until they told me to stop and go outside. I was fed some compliments and so with that fuel I got a little too loud for "business to take place". Instead of going outside I started reading more of The Tibetan Book of the Dead. I took some notes from chapter 8, "Natural Liberation Through Naked Vision, Identifying the Intelligence"...

The Forceful Method

"Be sure mind's nature is groundless and voidness,
Your mind is insubstantial like empty space--
Like it or not, look at your own mind!"

(Disidentify with your physical body. Perceive your mind as empty space.)

"Not fastening to the view of annihilative voidness,
Be sure spontaneous wisdom has always been clear,
Spontaneous in itself like the essence of the sun--
Like it or not, look at your own mind!"

(Your existence is not meaningless. Have faith and remain open to new paths.)

"Be sure that intelligent wisdom is uninterrupted,
Like a continuous current of a river--
Like it or not, look at your own mind!"

(Allow intuition to guide you. Trust yourself and go with the flow.)

"Be sure it will not be known by thinking various reasons,
Its movement insubstantial like breezes in the sky--
Like it or not, look at your own mind!"

(You may never know why you are here and now or where you are going, and thats okay)

"Be sure that what appears is your own perception.
Appearance is natural perception, like a reflection in a mirror--
Like it or not, look at your own mind!"

(Your experiences are based in your own perception. As your perceive, you therefore experience yourself. This is the foundation for compassion and respect for a seemingly (yet illusionary)external and disconnected world)

"Be sure that all signs are liberated on the spot;
Self originated, self delivered, like clouds in the sky--
Like it or not, look at your own mind!"

(You create and perceive your own signs. Follow them with little hesitation. Make your decisions in the here and now)

"There is no thing not included in the mind.
Where is meditation other than from the mind?
There is no teaching to practice other than mind-practice.
There is mo commitment to maintain outside the mind.
Look again! Look again! Look at your own mind!"

(Everything is experienced through mind. You learn and teach with mind. All goals and achievements are originated in the mind. This is the law of attraction and manifestation; mind is the cause and the effect.)

"Looking out there into the realms of space,
The mind will not emanate reflections,
Looking here within your own mind,
There is no emanator of mind's emanations.
Your mind is clarity without hallucinations.
It is the Truth Body, self aware, clear light voidness,
Cloudless and translucent like a sunrise in the sky,
Unrestricted by forms, it is clearly known everywhere.
Whether you realize this point or not makes a great difference."

(This is the awakening. Look within to find truth.)

"This primarily unproduced, spontaneous clear light,
A wonder that this awareness-child lacks parents!
This spontaneous wisdom, a wonder no one made it!
Having never known a birth, a wonder it can never die!
Obviously clear, a wonder it lacks a seer!"

(Truth can not be created or destroyed. It just is.)

"Wandering in the cycle, a wonder it is not real evil!
Beholding Buddhahood, a wonder it is not real good!"

(Truth is neither good or bad. It just is.)

"Being everywhere, a wonder it does not know reality!
Beyond this, a wonder it hopes for other fruits!
It being yourself, a wonder you seek elsewhere!"

(Truth can not be know, but is experienced through clear mind.
Do not seek without. Separateness and externalization is illusionary; all is within)

"Ema! This brilliant, thingless, now-awareness,
Just this is the pinnacle of all views!
This perceiving, universal, total freedom,
Just this is the pinnacle of all meditation!
This uncontrived, relaxed approach to life,
Just this is the pinnacle of all conduct!
This unsought, primal, effortless achievement,
Just this is the pinnacle of accomplishments!"

(By practicing and trusting clear intuition; by going with the flow instead of against it; by being present in the here and now, you will fulfill your life's purpose.)

more poems

Now I lay me down to rest

I pray i pass tomorrow's test 

And if I should die before I wake

Thats one less test I'll have to take

I'm made of water

Water is the only thing

That will quench my thirst

I'm always tryin' to 

Get back to the water

Ever since that very first breath 

On my day of birth

(I forgot who originally wrote this one, but it wasn't me)

Already There

I'm already there

And all I see is you

I don't want to be 

Anywhere else but 

Here right now

Shifting Winds

We'll change through many phases

To float with and sink into oneness

We'll loose ourselves in many places

Riding with our steady breeze

Arise

It's time to go outside and be with the sun

To help my heart beat for everyone

There's space within  when without

To be free again 'til the day is done

And in a slumber I will arrive

Another night and I'm still alive

My wake shapes the shore

A new day gently whispers, "arise".

(for dad)

Little Happy Weeds

I remember the moment

Our eyes first met

Out from the darkness, you emerged

Already wondering how our

Souls would be stirred

Right from the start

I understood your heart

Shivering in my little bones

A truthful love connection

An open coversation

Then intuition said it was

Time to set the bait

So to my sanctuary 

I went to wait

Nevermind the time

And no matter why

My faith would set me free

You would see, we would be

Entangled just like vines

We'll grow together like

Little happy seeds

We'll grow together like

Little happy weeds

Even from a distance in space

We'll grow together like

Little galaxies

We'll grow together like

Little happy weeds

5 Premonitions

1. Being with Casey

2. Being with Dad
3. Moving into a new home
4. Moving into a new beautiful life
5. Love, Health & Balance

OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA

I was feeling the happiness and relief that so many people felt last night, and it felt really good. And I thought it was great that he stated in his acceptance speech, "Now you know that government can't solve everyone's problems". Though when I watched the television, and with the expressions of much of the people, I noticed that many of them expressed themselves as if OBAMA will be the grand solution. Maybe not a grand solution, but progress indeed. Just seeing black people up on that stage, changes the way we think of opportunity and political power. And then I realized how powerful and amazing these images are and will be for people. Huh-oh, then I got all emotional too, hehe. I'm glad i tuned into the tube last night, made me feel all giddy and happy. good times...

no worries

sometimes life gets tough

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