Friday, January 16thA good day of work & play. This week has been a healthy for me. I've been riding my bike a lot, eating well, and in response - sharing the good vibes with the kids. Classes went well. I've been working with Dell Arte theater students in an after school class. They are three adults in their late twenties studying to become actors/actresses - a wonderful group of people. We are working up to putting on a play with about 12 students, grades 5/6, in February. The students tend to be mostly better behaved and more aware than the rest of the kids in the after school program. They had to get parent permission, promise to get all of their homework done at home instead of at school. We are pulling them out of homework help - which I normally attend to - but I am now getting out of it 3 days a week to have fun and be silly with Dell Arte. Its great. This class is amazing. The group dynamic of having 4 lively, goofy, enthusiastic adults is so very profound. We teach in unconventional ways - not through discipline, but through FUN! We hide the learning within really fun spontaneous and intuitive (improvisational) games/activities. This has been the most effective form of teaching I have ever witnessed. This is how I started off my classes in the beginning of the school year. I have found that its hard to keep up the motivation and enthusiasm to do it every day. Yet, with three other adults in a class, there is an energetic flow; manifestations of
magicalness. I have witnessed and participated in breakthrough moments with those kids. We are preparing them for stage acting - helping them overcome nervousness/shyness and allowing them to becomes more comfortable with being expressive. Much of the activities have to do with letting go of thinking too much, and just going with the flow. They say this is the best way to remember lines and stay in character. Makes sense to me. The play is to be about farming, so its right up my alley! When I heard they were coming to the school, and they they would need a teacher to help out, I hopped right in without hesitation. I told the others they could fight me for it, but no one was up for the challenge! Life is good.
I ate something from Terry's stash of food that his mom made for him. It was stir fried chicken and veggies. I think she must have used some
pre-packaged flavor packet or something. I think I am having an allergic reaction to it. I am hoping it flushes out soon. Kai and I made plans to go to the Lost Coast tomorrow morning. I am not sure where we are going to hike into yet, but Kai is leaning towards the south point, Black Sands. He is leaving town on Tuesday to move back to
Palmdale for a while so this is our departing adventure.
I got my car back from the shop this morning. They said it would cost me $1400 minimum to fix the brakes. I don't have the money so I am going to have to park the car until I can figure out how to get it fixed for a more affordable price. Casey told me post an add on Craig's list - seems like a good idea. My bike will have to get me to where I need to go for a while. Forced exercise - just what the doctor ordered...
Saturday, January 17th
Forced exercise? Yeah,
thats what I ordered for this weekend. The hike was intense!
My allergic reaction turned into a feverish haze. We walked and walked along the beach. Some moments were very nice, yet with this developing ugliness in my body, the hike became somewhat agonizing. I told myself, 'Here we go. Face it head on, sweat it out and be done with this sickness! I'll just get through this suffering instead of trying to put it off. I can't allow myself to be sick for another week. I'll be done with this by the morning. Well it just got worse. By the time we had reached our destination (Bull Creek) I was all disorientated and tired. I searched for a trail that headed up the mountain. It was our plan to do a loop back through the mountains. I searched and found what looked like small deer trails. I
couldnt find the hiking trail. I thought, this must not be Bull Creek. It must be right ahead. So Kai and I took a long break to build up some more energy for the next stretch. I forgot my map and tide chart, so it was up to me to remember when and where to go. Based on the rising tide I decided that we had to make a move and walk really fast to make it. We were off hiking north again, hoping to find the
real Bull Creek. The tide was coming in quick. I could feel the urgency. We started jogging. In some spots, the water would come right up to the rocks. We had to wait and time the tides, then quickly dash across the sand to beat the next wave of water. Soon enough I realized - that was Bull Creek. We were then approaching Miller Flat. I thought to myself, 'This is really silly. I am searching for Casey. I could tell she
wasnt with me. It felt surreal, like a dream. Here I am back at this place. I must have subconsciously brought myself here. I want to be with her. I am miserable without her here with me now.' All along, Kai with me - witnessing my defeat, my weakness and confusion. I walked towards the place where Casey and I camped, thinking some group of people must be camped there. I thought I could hear them, thought I could see their smoke. I told Kai to lead the way. I
didnt want to accept that I was really here to find Casey. He lead us back into the forest and we ended up getting lost for a while. The sun was about to set and we need to find somewhere to set up camp and get a fire started. I then took lead and heading west again, finally surrendering to the spot I had been to before. It was abandoned and unclaimed. We rested. I was beat. We started to collect firewood. I showed Kai the etching in the tree, "Well you want to see it?" There is was, still lovely, still fresh - only slightly browned with a few months of weathering.
I moved the rocks close to where we would sleep. With Casey, we slept away from the fire, but i
didnt want to repeat that again. I got the fire started. I was so tired that I think I fell asleep around 7:30, even with a blaring headache. During the night I would wake up often. Sleep for an hour, wake up. The air was foggy. The condensation would gather on the trees above then drip down on my sleeping bag. After a few hours I was pretty damp. The fire went out fast. The logs were getting too wet. My feet were really cold. I was pretty miserable. Yet, within that discomfort I found peace. It was still really comforting to be out in the wilderness, sleeping on the ground. My dreams were intense. I was waken up by a bear. It was licking my face! All I could do was just remain still and hope it would become disinterested. I thought, 'oh crap the food is in my backpack and its going to be here trying to get at it all night! The bear walked around to my feet and started nudging at them. It was putting more and more pressure on them and I started to fight back, pushing away. Instinctively, I started to kick and yell. I opened my eyes and glanced out of my sleeping bag. Nothing. It was a dream. I looked west and saw a bright crescent moon. I had a couple more hours of sleep left. I fell into another dream. This one was quite strange. I remember being at a house. I think it might have been Casey's parent's house. In the backyard I saw her dad and her brother playing music. Tom was on the guitar and Mike was on a drum kit. It sounded really good. Then I did a double take, expecting Casey on the electric guitar, but it was my ex girlfriend,
Shirine - or at least that was my impression. She
wasnt herself really. She was really over-weight, playing loud and obnoxiously, with a cigarette hanging out her mouth. She was wearing dark,
gothic style make-up. She was complaining about something, seemed depressed and unhealthy. Once again I felt without Casey. Where was she. She is not
Shirine, not at all! Where could she be? I searched around the house and there was no sign of her. I ran outside and started running down the street. The town was urban and dark. I felt uncomfortable there. I had the sense that the more I ran away, the further away I was getting from Casey. She was nowhere to be found. I walked into what seemed to be a diner. I sat down at a table, feeling really out of place. A waitress walked up to me, and looked at me like she knew what I was going through. She reminded me of the lady in Happy Camp - the one who told me to take off my shoes. She said something that made me think I should go back to the house, though I don't remember what it was. I took off my shoes and ran back to the house. The
Shirine character was still there, complaining, "Let play one more hour guys. I want to DANCE!!" Suddenly I woke up.
Sunday, January 18th
"One more hour of sleep," I said. Kai was already awake. "One more hour of sleep and I'll be good to go. Its not time to dance just yet." I was probably mumbling. He looked confused. "Yeah, alright lets sleep longer." I told him about my dreams. It was still cold. He told me about his. I felt the need to collect some more fire wood to get the fire going. Our stuff was all damp from the condensation. We needed to steam it out with a fire. I put my shoes on and we went for a walk to collect wood. I was feeling better this morning. The head ache was gone, but I still felt congested. I thought about Casey and about how often I have been getting sick. I was frustrated. I don't think I have gotten this sick this often in a long time - since I was a young child. Ever since that first week of feverish hell.....I was mad at myself for not getting an STD test. I told myself that would be one of the first things I would do when I got to Eureka. I need to see a doctor. I need to make appointments. I am sick of being sick! This is ridiculous! Could it really be an STD? Kai told me he has
HPV. He said the symptoms are really minor, but that he has noticed that he has been getting sick a little more often. We talked about it for a while. I don't know why my immune system has been tested so often lately. I work with those kids, which probably brings on the viruses - yet I haven't noticed the other staff get sick, except for maybe once. I am frustrated that my immunity
isnt as strong as I want it to be. Before I had what I believed to be an allergic reaction, I was feeling great. I felt strong from all the biking, playing and nourishing diet. I've been taking vitamin supplements and doing yoga - whats the deal? Is sickness all the mind? What do I need to change so I can feel healthy and strong? Do I need to detox? That it, I need a true spring cleaning. I need to sweat it all out and start fresh. I need help. I need change. I'll start calling
clinics to check if they'll accept my
insurance...
Our stuff was
finally dry so we packed up and headed south. The weather was beautiful. I felt strong, yet I could tell my legs were pretty weak from the hike up. I don't remember being this tired from the hike when Casey and I came here. The last stretch was hard, but we got through it. Kai said, "You know that right now we are thinking about how nice it will be to get home, but once we are there we will be thinking about how nice the lost coast was. All along I am thinking, be here now, yet my mind has so many distractions." I agreed. I had been in my mind a lot during the hike, got us lost and off track. Instead of a unique trip with Kai, it
ended up being (for me)some kind of exhausting
anf futile search for old memories and experiences. I felt I had let him down and I apologized. Hes such an easy-going friend. Maybe he just
wouldnt know the difference. He was getting over being sick and so we could share our discomforts with
oneanother. We got back on the road. When we got into Eureka we stopped at the all-you-can-eat buffet. It was kind of an
awkward place. We
didnt talk much. I sipped soup and ate steamed veggies, while watching each person pick their unique plate assortments. I felt out of place once again. We
didnt each that much and
didnt spend much time there. He dropped me off. I told him I would call him in the morning to see if he wants to come help build a park in
Manilla. He was down for it, but I kind of already knew that I
wouldnt feel up to it in the morning. I took a long hot shower and went to sleep around 8:00.
Monday, January 19
thMartin Luther King Day. I signed up to help build a playground/park in
Manilla today. I woke up this morning know that I would need this day for myself. I need to clean, organize, and prepare for another work week. I need to re-coop from this weekends events. Terry said that Marilyn is threatening to kick us out. I'm worried that shes going to keep part of my deposit. She'll think up some excuses and screw me over somehow. I need to talk with her to get on some level base, some agreement and understanding. Truthfully, I want her to kick out Terry so I can have my peace and space. It would make it a lot easier to clean up, eat well, and stay away from
ganja. After writing to Tom and reading his response I am more inspired to quit using it. I have a lot of respect for him and the family. There is good balance there. Casey is so fortunate. I miss her. I wonder what she is doing. Perhaps I give her a call. She is probably having a lot of fun. Inauguration day is tomorrow and shes going to BE THERE. I wish I could be there with her, I really do. I am here, though, and I have to make the best of it. I told her I think its best that she stay out there until I finish my work here. Honestly I feel that if she were here with me, I'd be in better health and it would contribute to my work a great deal. I would have much more motivation. I can't be selfish though. I have to be strong for myself right now. She has priorities which I respect. She is smart and intuitive and I trust her fully.
Its time to go outside to be with the sun. Its shining bright. I'll get on my bike and ride to the co-op to buy this week's groceries. I ran out of food stamps but I have some cash now. Time to pay bills!!!
yey!!! The simple life will be with me once again. For now I'll pay my
debts.
